Here we are in February already. Workers are back at work, students are back at school, we all fall back into our daily routines. Boring, right? "Yes, yes!", I can almost hear you all saying. I know we have to put up with the grind of work, pay bills, repeat. But I'm getting that I-can't-be-here-any-longer-in-this-spot-or-I-will-commit-atrocities kinda feeling again.
Even though I feel I've come a long way with my anxiety, partly due to the little travels in my past, I've been unable to take my anxiety medications for roughly 4 months now and it's starting to show. Medications mask a lot of the subtle signs of anxiety and in my case, doubled with the diagnosis of PDD-NOS, the lack of these medications causes some symptoms to be amplified, probably due to the interruption of the triggering of re-manufacture of GABA in the brain, making all those lovely and necessary hormones.
The well-known 'fight or flight' response is one, more and more noticing of late the inability to sit still for very long. In a physical sense, it's exhausting, almost like waiting for that toddler to FINALLY go for a nap, except that toddler is me! In a personal sense, the only way I can describe it it as an adult wanting to run away from home. It's not my family, pets or the home itself driving me to want to run, I know it's not these things, but am at a loss to explain WHY I feel this way.
I do recognise I have this undying urge to want to know and understand myself better, I want to see myself the way others see me, I want to know where I came from, I need to understand the differences between other families and my own. Why aren't I as good a Mum as that other woman is? Do my kids know I love them even if I cant express it?
I feel like I need to get away again.
Alone.
What I really need is for this blog to get out there, maybe some well-meaning Psych student or a media-hungry travel company will find a way to utilise me, there IS much to learn about yourself, others and the world around us in general when you travel/explore alone, it's not a scary as it needs to be, Ive had experience in solo travel, sure, only Australia, but there's a lot more ground for me to cover, cities I have never visited, I'm up for more!
