Here we are in February already. Workers are back at work, students are back at school, we all fall back into our daily routines. Boring, right? "Yes, yes!", I can almost hear you all saying. I know we have to put up with the grind of work, pay bills, repeat. But I'm getting that I-can't-be-here-any-longer-in-this-spot-or-I-will-commit-atrocities kinda feeling again.
Even though I feel I've come a long way with my anxiety, partly due to the little travels in my past, I've been unable to take my anxiety medications for roughly 4 months now and it's starting to show. Medications mask a lot of the subtle signs of anxiety and in my case, doubled with the diagnosis of PDD-NOS, the lack of these medications causes some symptoms to be amplified, probably due to the interruption of the triggering of re-manufacture of GABA in the brain, making all those lovely and necessary hormones.
The well-known 'fight or flight' response is one, more and more noticing of late the inability to sit still for very long. In a physical sense, it's exhausting, almost like waiting for that toddler to FINALLY go for a nap, except that toddler is me! In a personal sense, the only way I can describe it it as an adult wanting to run away from home. It's not my family, pets or the home itself driving me to want to run, I know it's not these things, but am at a loss to explain WHY I feel this way.
I do recognise I have this undying urge to want to know and understand myself better, I want to see myself the way others see me, I want to know where I came from, I need to understand the differences between other families and my own. Why aren't I as good a Mum as that other woman is? Do my kids know I love them even if I cant express it?
I feel like I need to get away again.
Alone.
What I really need is for this blog to get out there, maybe some well-meaning Psych student or a media-hungry travel company will find a way to utilise me, there IS much to learn about yourself, others and the world around us in general when you travel/explore alone, it's not a scary as it needs to be, Ive had experience in solo travel, sure, only Australia, but there's a lot more ground for me to cover, cities I have never visited, I'm up for more!
Monday, February 3, 2014
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Adelaide : The sights
So I'm trying to catch up on my blogging, I'm currently withdrawing into myself more and more, enjoying my own company, seems like the perfect time really! I rushed through the last post in an effort to catch up but I left out too many details.
So, the sights and sounds of Adelaide! I went with a different strategy this trip, no pre-prepared maps and transport routes, the plan was to play it totally by ear, which I did! Luckily for me and probably countless other tourists the City Centre is very well sign posted, with not only street signs but also landmarks. I wandered around Rundle Mall, was put onto a gorgeous little second-hand bookstore, thanks Iain!, spent what seemed like hours in there, inhaling that unique smell that only loved books can carry. A visit to Haigh's chocolatiers, of course, beautiful Semaphore beach, which I absolutely LOVE! (Not 10kms distance between the foreshore and the actual water, I was able to cope with the sensation of the sand underfoot and between my toes, quite an achievement for me, yay!), spent the day there with Sharon and her boys, we ate fish & chips, lazed on the grass and went walking through the tidal pools. It was lovely to be able to spend time outdoors without feeling as though you were literally frying under the sun, unlike the heat and humidity at home.
I had jumped aboard a tram to Glenelg to ride there and visit for the day, but I ended up getting off pretty quickly when I saw a beautiful green park ;) I ended up spending a lovely time there in the quiet and forgot all about my tram adventure.
I visited the Museum of SA, went for a ride on the O-bahn bus track and ultimately ended up at the Zoo. well, hello anxiety! It decided to make its presence known at this point in time, I'm assuming because the Zoo was quite crowded, but who can really tell with such a 'chameleonic' disorder such as anxiety, it makes up its own rules.
Wandering the Zoo on my own terms and in my own time was fantastic. Despite teasing from Adelaideans that the Pandas would be asleep, both Wang Wang and Funi were awake and active. Being the only place to see Giant Pandas in Australia, I am now one very happy girl :) I saw many, many animals I haven't seen before, or since, such as Tapirs, Gibbons and Flamingos. In a way it would have been nice to share the experience with family or friends, but I really enjoy doing these things solo.
The rest of my time in SA was spent meeting some great people from facebook, partying too hard and defending myself from one particular "handsy" guy who turned out to be very bad news (Lee: trip ruiner LOL).
At one stage if you'd asked I wouldn't return, not because of the city or the people, but I wouldn't let that one person stop me from visiting again. One day I'll return, I had so much fun catching up with Sharon, how could I not? ;)
Since Adelaide I haven't had the great urge to travel, life got in the way there for a bit. But I'll be back!
So, the sights and sounds of Adelaide! I went with a different strategy this trip, no pre-prepared maps and transport routes, the plan was to play it totally by ear, which I did! Luckily for me and probably countless other tourists the City Centre is very well sign posted, with not only street signs but also landmarks. I wandered around Rundle Mall, was put onto a gorgeous little second-hand bookstore, thanks Iain!, spent what seemed like hours in there, inhaling that unique smell that only loved books can carry. A visit to Haigh's chocolatiers, of course, beautiful Semaphore beach, which I absolutely LOVE! (Not 10kms distance between the foreshore and the actual water, I was able to cope with the sensation of the sand underfoot and between my toes, quite an achievement for me, yay!), spent the day there with Sharon and her boys, we ate fish & chips, lazed on the grass and went walking through the tidal pools. It was lovely to be able to spend time outdoors without feeling as though you were literally frying under the sun, unlike the heat and humidity at home.
I had jumped aboard a tram to Glenelg to ride there and visit for the day, but I ended up getting off pretty quickly when I saw a beautiful green park ;) I ended up spending a lovely time there in the quiet and forgot all about my tram adventure.
I visited the Museum of SA, went for a ride on the O-bahn bus track and ultimately ended up at the Zoo. well, hello anxiety! It decided to make its presence known at this point in time, I'm assuming because the Zoo was quite crowded, but who can really tell with such a 'chameleonic' disorder such as anxiety, it makes up its own rules.
Wandering the Zoo on my own terms and in my own time was fantastic. Despite teasing from Adelaideans that the Pandas would be asleep, both Wang Wang and Funi were awake and active. Being the only place to see Giant Pandas in Australia, I am now one very happy girl :) I saw many, many animals I haven't seen before, or since, such as Tapirs, Gibbons and Flamingos. In a way it would have been nice to share the experience with family or friends, but I really enjoy doing these things solo.
The rest of my time in SA was spent meeting some great people from facebook, partying too hard and defending myself from one particular "handsy" guy who turned out to be very bad news (Lee: trip ruiner LOL).
At one stage if you'd asked I wouldn't return, not because of the city or the people, but I wouldn't let that one person stop me from visiting again. One day I'll return, I had so much fun catching up with Sharon, how could I not? ;)
Since Adelaide I haven't had the great urge to travel, life got in the way there for a bit. But I'll be back!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Adelaide...the furthest I've ever been
Ahh the age of smartphones! I can amuse myself upon the flight by blogging ;)
So, this has been a far different experience to my other travels so far. It started with me setting the alarm on my phone..for the first time pretty much ever. Nice to wake up at dark and stupid o'clock on purpose for a change ;)
Caught the first Airtrain of the day, so far so good I thought..then it was delayed further up the track argh!!! Panic stations.
After a short delay I arrived in plenty of time for boarding. Well, I'm spoilt this time, Tv!! Satellite, so heavy cloud blocks it from time to time but happily distracting myself drinking awful, awful coffee and watching Family Guy.
I'm testing how high the volume goes lol, I'm on board with a mixed basketball team from Logan, they're a funny bunch, but pretty rowdy.
Fast forward to 7 February 2013 and Adelaide brought me many experiences with friends, and new foes. I stayed mostly with my childhood babysitter Sharon and her boys. Even though I don't remember the poor lady Lol, I had a great time!!!! I did some exploring of the city centre, riding trams, spending time in beautiful gardens.
Then came "Life, Interrupted".
Towards the end of my time in Adelaide I met in person finally some more great people from Facebook. One in particular I spent a lot of time with, much to the panic of family and friends who couldn't reach me, but I was fine even if a little rude by not responding straight away.
I won't go into details because if I meant for you to know the nitty-gritty, I've shared it with you by now ;) but the Adelaide trip changed me in a lot of ways, changed my views on a few things...
Just before I boarded the plane home, one of the people I'd met in person turned nasty because I'd met with one of their 'enemies'. Flying home in tears and hurt was not my planned end. That day though I decided it's impossible not to chose between friends at times, or the situation turns toxic, as it did.
So Life has been very much in the way since this trip, a major anxiety relapse took my mind further and further away from any thought of traveling for a while and other distractions.
Since there's been another short trip to Sydney which I'll post about soon, I didn't it handle too well, being far too away from my safe little room here. Looks like I'll need to spend more time fighting the demons again before I have the courage to try again, it's left my confidence shaken. But soon, I'll push myself out of my comfort zone again, it's just a matter of time.
So, this has been a far different experience to my other travels so far. It started with me setting the alarm on my phone..for the first time pretty much ever. Nice to wake up at dark and stupid o'clock on purpose for a change ;)
Caught the first Airtrain of the day, so far so good I thought..then it was delayed further up the track argh!!! Panic stations.
After a short delay I arrived in plenty of time for boarding. Well, I'm spoilt this time, Tv!! Satellite, so heavy cloud blocks it from time to time but happily distracting myself drinking awful, awful coffee and watching Family Guy.
I'm testing how high the volume goes lol, I'm on board with a mixed basketball team from Logan, they're a funny bunch, but pretty rowdy.
Fast forward to 7 February 2013 and Adelaide brought me many experiences with friends, and new foes. I stayed mostly with my childhood babysitter Sharon and her boys. Even though I don't remember the poor lady Lol, I had a great time!!!! I did some exploring of the city centre, riding trams, spending time in beautiful gardens.
Then came "Life, Interrupted".
Towards the end of my time in Adelaide I met in person finally some more great people from Facebook. One in particular I spent a lot of time with, much to the panic of family and friends who couldn't reach me, but I was fine even if a little rude by not responding straight away.
I won't go into details because if I meant for you to know the nitty-gritty, I've shared it with you by now ;) but the Adelaide trip changed me in a lot of ways, changed my views on a few things...
Just before I boarded the plane home, one of the people I'd met in person turned nasty because I'd met with one of their 'enemies'. Flying home in tears and hurt was not my planned end. That day though I decided it's impossible not to chose between friends at times, or the situation turns toxic, as it did.
So Life has been very much in the way since this trip, a major anxiety relapse took my mind further and further away from any thought of traveling for a while and other distractions.
Since there's been another short trip to Sydney which I'll post about soon, I didn't it handle too well, being far too away from my safe little room here. Looks like I'll need to spend more time fighting the demons again before I have the courage to try again, it's left my confidence shaken. But soon, I'll push myself out of my comfort zone again, it's just a matter of time.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Cave dweller
 |
| Weird place for a ferris wheel! Surfers' Paradise, Gold Coast |
It turns out this wasn't really a "travelling experience" after all...I stayed with a girlfriend down there, about an hour and a half's drive away from home, while I completed a Body Piercing training course.
I packed the camera and other tourist-y type items, that never even saw the light of day! At the end of each day I was so exhausted, there was no socializing in me :(
It was rather difficult the first day, some people were completing just the infection control portion of the course, expanding the class size from the expected 4 people, to 8! I kept to myself at lunch break, it was all a bit too much.
Once that day was over, the class dropped to a manageable 5 including myself, that felt better already. With the course being conducted on a very quiet part of the coast, there wasn't a great deal to do during breaks, but we all eventually ended up together and I was able to come out of myself a bit.
Not having studied for over half of my life, it wasn't easy trying to absorb information, times of over-stimulation messed with my head, a few times I retreated into a quiet corner to try to concentrate while everyone else was talking.
I found it quite difficult turning up every day...whether it as the anxiety, or just wanting to hang out with a girlfriend, I usually cannot do much of anything on many consecutive days. Since being home again, I've been able to retreat into myself, my own thoughts, get away from the outside world a bit.
But now I must also prepare for another 6 day trip...this time to Adelaide, leaving early Sunday morning.
Another city I've never visited, but I'm no as apprehensive about it as I was with the huge city of Sydney.
I'll be hanging out with another girlfriend, my old babysitter actually, quite a distance from the CBD. I'm arriving on a long weekend, so it will bring a great balance of time spent, with time alone when she is at work each day, with some couch surfing and meeting facebook friends along the way ;)
I hope to visit the Adelaide Zoo and the Adelaide Gaol as well.
Well, off to make my lists and let the anxiety/excitement build!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Home Sweet Home
Reflecting upon my trip the last couple of days, getting over the tiredness, it was a very successful experiment.
Apart from one panic attack I had a great time. Mind you, it took planning. I had to make sure I wasn't put in a position where I'd be rushed, a sure fire way of getting myself into a state. I familiarized myself with the transport options, maps etc.
I went expecting to have to look over my shoulder all the time, thought I might get mugged or stabbed! Fear of the unknown was all it was.
Apart from the hour or so I sat at St. Mary's, I didn't feel unsafe at any time, then again, I didn't leave the hotel at night.
I very quickly adapted back into everyday family drudgery, which had my mind fantasizing about running away from home again! I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I can't shake the running away feeling. It's almost as if there's something I NEED to do, to fulfill my life. The problem is I am not at all sure of what it is I'm missing, or looking for!!!!!!!!
A downside to my adventure now is that now that I'm home, my introverted personality has come to the fore and I'm needing my solitude, mixed in with a little bit of the Black Dog, it's going to be a long, bumpy road this time.
It's usually only a small, annoying yapping puppy, this time feels like a huge barking bulldog :( but I'll be back to 'normal' soon, I always get there eventually.
Just over 2 weeks until my next trip, this time I won't be alone though so it will be a completely different experience again, a 'studying holiday' if you will.
I will probably still methodically plan every hour haha, but it has the comfort of being a lot closer to home. Not much social time, but I will have to check out my brothers' band, Agent 77, while I'm down there ;) and many, many coffee trips <3 till next time...;)
Saturday, August 25, 2012
It caught up with me
Here I am, Day 3 of my Sydney adventure. I will need a holiday from this holiday when I get home!!!
The first day was an easy experience, I'd sourced the trip details in advance so it was very easy to find my way around with the instructions.
I'd arranged coffee in the afternoon with a friend but I did not plan well enough, so that didn't pan out, then a sudden thunderstorm passed through.
A bit of excitement for an out-of-towner like me, catching the train to Granville to meet my brother Brian, about a dozen cops in bulletproof vests converged on the station at St. Mary's, they'd locked the train and were after someone. After about 20 minutes it was all over, not sure what happened though! Oh yeah, wow, double decker trains!
Meeting Brian, Kate, Grace, Milly and Riley, and visiting relatives was fantastic. At first I was apprehensive, if you know me you'll understand. But I could not have felt more welcomed or accepted ;) what a gorgeous family <3
The night flew by with good food, wine and company, lots of laughter. I feel very much part of the complete family Berrill now.
Day 2 was "my day". As ever, I planned methodically, only to throw the schedule away and play it by ear. I got a lift to the Westfield Parramatta, I knew the train station was right beside it, so I headed into the CBD to start exploring. Once I reached Central, I found the coach terminal there will store your luggage for a daily fee, so dropped it off then caught a free city loop bus, hopping off at Circular Quay.
Everything in Sydney is so huge! The transport system is so much more widespread than Brisbane, just very expensive! I had originally planned to take a harbour cruise, but once I'd decided to get the ferry to Darling Harbour, going past the Opera House and underneath the Harbour Bridge, I got a lot of photos. We even went past Luna Park.
Arriving at Darling Harbour, I sat people watching for a while. Everyone is in such a hurry! Stopped for lunch with the seagulls for a while, taking in the view of the Maritime Museum.
Finding more lockers, I stored as much as I could to keep myself hands-free for the Aquarium.
WOW. Best $35 entry ever! And going alone was great, able to stay at each exhibit as long as I liked, not having to please anyone other than myself. I even spent a bit extra for a 'behind the scenes' tour/fish feeding experience.
I forgot all about looking for the Lindt cafe' after that, as I'd noticed the Monorail, so I went in search of and found the station. I went across the Harbour, it was an experience. From there I caught a light rail (tram). I wasn't sure what to do so hopped in as everywhere else had fare machines. I was probably about to be kicked off when the conductor found I couldn't pay. Sydney isn't conducive to a cashless existence, you really need cash on you all the time. The transport is varied and plentiful but they all have different ticketing systems :/ but a nice office worker took pity on me and paid my fare, then gave me directions at Central.
Time to pick up the luggage and head to the hotel, where I laid down, 'just for 5 minutes' Lol....so then was up quite late watching TV.
Woke up exhausted so just fluffed around the hotel room, finally heading out around lunchtime. Started hiking up the highway looking for somewhere to buy bus tickets, walked for a long time till a servo, but they didn't sell them. Lunch then bus stop to get on a bus and hope for the best. Turns out its really only an issue from the CBD to have a pre-paid ticket, so headed to the local Westfield at Burwood for a look around.
Having a good look around, grabbing food for dinner and some drinks, I headed to the bus stop to get back to the hotel here.
It was then the anxiety I'd been dreading finally made an appearance. Not sure why as usual, but I felt nauseous and faint. Not long after the bus arrived and now safely back in the little hotel room I'm fine ;) Alcohol helps too.
I'm not going to get all on my list done, but I reckon I'd come back again. It wasn't as scary as I thought it might be and easy to find my way around even in unfamiliar surroundings.
I've enjoyed my time, but at the same time I'll be glad to get home too ;)
Then start focussing on my next trip, the Gold Coast in 3 weeks for my body piercing course. It's not a great worry to me though, being still close enough to Brisbane, and will be having a great time staying with my loony gf ;p
The first day was an easy experience, I'd sourced the trip details in advance so it was very easy to find my way around with the instructions.
I'd arranged coffee in the afternoon with a friend but I did not plan well enough, so that didn't pan out, then a sudden thunderstorm passed through.
A bit of excitement for an out-of-towner like me, catching the train to Granville to meet my brother Brian, about a dozen cops in bulletproof vests converged on the station at St. Mary's, they'd locked the train and were after someone. After about 20 minutes it was all over, not sure what happened though! Oh yeah, wow, double decker trains!
Meeting Brian, Kate, Grace, Milly and Riley, and visiting relatives was fantastic. At first I was apprehensive, if you know me you'll understand. But I could not have felt more welcomed or accepted ;) what a gorgeous family <3
The night flew by with good food, wine and company, lots of laughter. I feel very much part of the complete family Berrill now.
Day 2 was "my day". As ever, I planned methodically, only to throw the schedule away and play it by ear. I got a lift to the Westfield Parramatta, I knew the train station was right beside it, so I headed into the CBD to start exploring. Once I reached Central, I found the coach terminal there will store your luggage for a daily fee, so dropped it off then caught a free city loop bus, hopping off at Circular Quay.
Everything in Sydney is so huge! The transport system is so much more widespread than Brisbane, just very expensive! I had originally planned to take a harbour cruise, but once I'd decided to get the ferry to Darling Harbour, going past the Opera House and underneath the Harbour Bridge, I got a lot of photos. We even went past Luna Park.
Arriving at Darling Harbour, I sat people watching for a while. Everyone is in such a hurry! Stopped for lunch with the seagulls for a while, taking in the view of the Maritime Museum.
Finding more lockers, I stored as much as I could to keep myself hands-free for the Aquarium.
WOW. Best $35 entry ever! And going alone was great, able to stay at each exhibit as long as I liked, not having to please anyone other than myself. I even spent a bit extra for a 'behind the scenes' tour/fish feeding experience.
I forgot all about looking for the Lindt cafe' after that, as I'd noticed the Monorail, so I went in search of and found the station. I went across the Harbour, it was an experience. From there I caught a light rail (tram). I wasn't sure what to do so hopped in as everywhere else had fare machines. I was probably about to be kicked off when the conductor found I couldn't pay. Sydney isn't conducive to a cashless existence, you really need cash on you all the time. The transport is varied and plentiful but they all have different ticketing systems :/ but a nice office worker took pity on me and paid my fare, then gave me directions at Central.
Time to pick up the luggage and head to the hotel, where I laid down, 'just for 5 minutes' Lol....so then was up quite late watching TV.
Woke up exhausted so just fluffed around the hotel room, finally heading out around lunchtime. Started hiking up the highway looking for somewhere to buy bus tickets, walked for a long time till a servo, but they didn't sell them. Lunch then bus stop to get on a bus and hope for the best. Turns out its really only an issue from the CBD to have a pre-paid ticket, so headed to the local Westfield at Burwood for a look around.
Having a good look around, grabbing food for dinner and some drinks, I headed to the bus stop to get back to the hotel here.
It was then the anxiety I'd been dreading finally made an appearance. Not sure why as usual, but I felt nauseous and faint. Not long after the bus arrived and now safely back in the little hotel room I'm fine ;) Alcohol helps too.
I'm not going to get all on my list done, but I reckon I'd come back again. It wasn't as scary as I thought it might be and easy to find my way around even in unfamiliar surroundings.
I've enjoyed my time, but at the same time I'll be glad to get home too ;)
Then start focussing on my next trip, the Gold Coast in 3 weeks for my body piercing course. It's not a great worry to me though, being still close enough to Brisbane, and will be having a great time staying with my loony gf ;p
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Waiting....waiting.....
Well here I am with one sleep to go...almost finally here. As I write I have my little lists and bag here, methodically packing and ticking items off.
No physical signs of anxiety today, I feel quite calm. I'm very sure I will not end up getting any sleep tonight though! I've prepared myself a little 'care package' for tomorrow, including some Valium of course haha ;)
Just realized it's exactly 24 hours until my flight touches down in Sydney! Watch the time go very slowly now, I'm sure. Until tomorrow :) xo
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