Home Sweet Home

Reflecting upon my trip the last couple of days, getting over the tiredness, it was a very successful experiment.
Apart from one panic attack I had a great time. Mind you, it took planning. I had to make sure I wasn't put in a position where I'd be rushed, a sure fire way of getting myself into a state. I familiarized myself with the transport options, maps etc.
I went expecting to have to look over my shoulder all the time, thought I might get mugged or stabbed! Fear of the unknown was all it was.
Apart from the hour or so I sat at St. Mary's, I didn't feel unsafe at any time, then again, I didn't leave the hotel at night.
I very quickly adapted back into everyday family drudgery, which had my mind fantasizing about running away from home again! I love my family, don't get me wrong, but I can't shake the running away feeling. It's almost as if there's something I NEED to do, to fulfill my life. The problem is I am not at all sure of what it is I'm missing, or looking for!!!!!!!!
A downside to my adventure now is that now that I'm home, my introverted personality has come to the fore and I'm needing my solitude, mixed in with a little bit of the Black Dog, it's going to be a long, bumpy road this time.
It's usually only a small, annoying yapping puppy, this time feels like a huge barking bulldog :( but I'll be back to 'normal' soon, I always get there eventually.
Just over 2 weeks until my next trip, this time I won't be alone though so it will be a completely different experience again, a 'studying holiday' if you will.
I will probably still methodically plan every hour haha, but it has the comfort of being a lot closer to home. Not much social time, but I will have to check out my brothers' band, Agent 77, while I'm down there ;) and many, many coffee trips <3 till next time...;)

It caught up with me

Here I am, Day 3 of my Sydney adventure. I will need a holiday from this holiday when I get home!!!
The first day was an easy experience, I'd sourced the trip details in advance so it was very easy to find my way around with the instructions.
I'd arranged coffee in the afternoon with a friend but I did not plan well enough, so that didn't pan out, then a sudden thunderstorm passed through.
A bit of excitement for an out-of-towner like me, catching the train to Granville to meet my brother Brian, about a dozen cops in bulletproof vests converged on the station at St. Mary's, they'd locked the train and were after someone. After about 20 minutes it was all over, not sure what happened though! Oh yeah, wow, double decker trains!
Meeting Brian, Kate, Grace, Milly and Riley, and visiting relatives was fantastic. At first I was apprehensive, if you know me you'll understand. But I could not have felt more welcomed or accepted ;) what a gorgeous family <3
The night flew by with good food, wine and company, lots of laughter. I feel very much part of the complete family Berrill now.
Day 2 was "my day". As ever, I planned methodically, only to throw the schedule away and play it by ear. I got a lift to the Westfield Parramatta, I knew the train station was right beside it, so I headed into the CBD to start exploring. Once I reached Central, I found the coach terminal there will store your luggage for a daily fee, so dropped it off then caught a free city loop bus, hopping off at Circular Quay.
Everything in Sydney is so huge! The transport system is so much more widespread than Brisbane, just very expensive! I had originally planned to take a harbour cruise, but once I'd decided to get the ferry to Darling Harbour, going past the Opera House and underneath the Harbour Bridge, I got a lot of photos. We even went past Luna Park.
Arriving at Darling Harbour, I sat people watching for a while. Everyone is in such a hurry! Stopped for lunch with the seagulls for a while, taking in the view of the Maritime Museum.
Finding more lockers, I stored as much as I could to keep myself hands-free for the Aquarium.
WOW. Best $35 entry ever! And going alone was great, able to stay at each exhibit as long as I liked, not having to please anyone other than myself. I even spent a bit extra for a 'behind the scenes' tour/fish feeding experience.
I forgot all about looking for the Lindt cafe' after that, as I'd noticed the Monorail, so I went in search of and found the station. I went across the Harbour, it was an experience. From there I caught a light rail (tram). I wasn't sure what to do so hopped in as everywhere else had fare machines. I was probably about to be kicked off when the conductor found I couldn't pay. Sydney isn't conducive to a cashless existence, you really need cash on you all the time. The transport is varied and plentiful but they all have different ticketing systems :/ but a nice office worker took pity on me and paid my fare, then gave me directions at Central.
Time to pick up the luggage and head to the hotel, where I laid down, 'just for 5 minutes' Lol....so then was up quite late watching TV.
Woke up exhausted so just fluffed around the hotel room, finally heading out around lunchtime. Started hiking up the highway looking for somewhere to buy bus tickets, walked for a long time till a servo, but they didn't sell them. Lunch then bus stop to get on a bus and hope for the best. Turns out its really only an issue from the CBD to have a pre-paid ticket, so headed to the local Westfield at Burwood for a look around.
Having a good look around, grabbing food for dinner and some drinks, I headed to the bus stop to get back to the hotel here.
It was then the anxiety I'd been dreading finally made an appearance. Not sure why as usual, but I felt nauseous and faint. Not long after the bus arrived and now safely back in the little hotel room I'm fine ;) Alcohol helps too.
I'm not going to get all on my list done, but I reckon I'd come back again. It wasn't as scary as I thought it might be and easy to find my way around even in unfamiliar surroundings.
I've enjoyed my time, but at the same time I'll be glad to get home too ;)
Then start focussing on my next trip, the Gold Coast in 3 weeks for my body piercing course. It's not a great worry to me though, being still close enough to Brisbane, and will be having a great time staying with my loony gf ;p

Waiting....waiting.....

Well here I am with one sleep to go...almost finally here. As I write I have my little lists and bag here, methodically packing and ticking items off.

No physical signs of anxiety today, I feel quite calm. I'm very sure I will not end up getting any sleep tonight though! I've prepared myself a little 'care package' for tomorrow, including some Valium of course haha ;)

Just realized it's exactly 24 hours until my flight touches down in Sydney! Watch the time go very slowly now, I'm sure. Until tomorrow :) xo

Are we there yet?

It's now 2 sleeps until I leave for Sydney. Strangely calm today, that is helping immensely. The trouble with 2 days out is you're in packing limbo...you know, when it's too soon to pack, but you don't want to leave it too late ;)

It may be the OCD in me, but I love the whole packing/listing making process, I can get quite analytical about it. It has nothing to do with forgetfulness, nor even checking the list when I pack to come home, but probably everything to do with the irrational fear of leaving something behind, which I've never done.

I was asked by my doctor yesterday what it is that makes me anxious about this trip...but I don't really have an answer, it's definitely nothing to do with flying, that doesn't bother me. I'm guessing just the uncertainty of being in strange surroundings, but I have Google maps and a 3G connection, failing that I'm sure Sydney has some very friendly (maybe hot!) policemen I can ask for directions ;)

Focus on the positive

My journey hasn't begun yet. But my body begs to differ!
The nausea has turned into being sick, even if not thinking about anything in particular. At times like this, I tend to let my body do its thing, it's our of my control. All the lovely thoughts in the world don't matter once you've reached the vomit "point of no return" Lol.
Hopefully my medication had time to be absorbed before that, things don't improve with no meds :/
Today I'm worn out from broken sleep but I'm going to try my hardest to change the internal soundtrack to a positive tune and hope my body will follow ;)

Maiden Journey

I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorders: Social anxiety, severe social phobia, generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD thrown in for somebody's' amusement, approximately 2 years ago. I can pinpoint the circumstances which brought it on too, the worry about my teenage daughters' stress and angst and the fact she was self-harming.
Many hours of visits to medical professionals, mental health hospital appointments and many different drug regimes later, here I am.
Recently, I was convinced I had "cured" my anxiety. WRONG! All I'd done in fact as learn how to recognize the physical manifestations of anxiety and differentiate them from the body's' natural reactions to fight/flight, fear, sickness.
So, in some strange magnetic pull to "find myself" I've been planning some travel.
Alone.
In cities I've never visited.

Alone!

What was I thinking exactly??? Mid-life crisis? No travel prior to having kids?
I don't know.
All I DO know is now it''s too late to back out...I purposely booked non-refundable accommodation, pre-purchased train tickets etc.

In just a few days I leave for Sydney...Am I scared? Yes. Excited? Also, yes.
I already feel nauseous and flighty, but I'm not going to let it beat me, affect my time away. I'm doing this not only to prove something to myself, but maybe help others understand that you don't have to let anxiety disorders stop you from living.

As much as my bed can be my little oasis from the world, the world isn't going to come to see me, I have to get out there and explore it, find out it's not so scary after all :)

For more information, visit : http://www.sane.org/information/factsheets-podcasts/158-anxiety-disorders